<HONEA EXPRESS: My Post About Sex (Adults Only)

It finally happened. Honea Express has moved to greener pastures, or possibly just out to pasture -- you make the call.

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Please pardon the dust and update your feed readers accordingly. Thank you - Whit

Thursday, April 12, 2007

My Post About Sex (Adults Only)

It has been brought to my attention that nothing brings traffic to a "daddy" blog like some good ol' sex talk. Apparently, sex sells. It seems to be working for GoDaddy.com. Hence, me writing about sex. Yes, it's building as we speak. Wait for it.

The problem with me talking about sex is that I have a readership that consists of people I don't want to talk about sex with. Truth be told, the only people that read this blog are you and my mom.

That is why one of you, preferably my mom, should stop reading this post...right now.


I remember the time that I had sex. It had been a beautiful ceremony. My new bride beamed with magic and happiness. I was magic and happy with Beam. Jim Beam.

I carried her across the threshold and tried to remember all that I had read in the pamphlet that the minister had given me.

I didn't think it would be too difficult. There was, after all, just one position to memorize. Only one part to fit into one special place. A place I had only heard of, like France or Delaware. Still, I was nervous.

All I had to do was kiss her with a passion only known prior for pizza and football, and wait for her permission to cross the goal line. I hoped her defense was more Raiders than Bears.

I must have kissed her for minutes! Seriously. It reminded me of a romantic movie or my favorite gum commercial. It was love in our mouths. It was a Hallmark moment. I felt alive and dirty.

Finally, she gave me her blessing and we paused to undress.

I couldn't believe it. I was actually standing next to a naked woman. It was so much better than the pictures in National Geographic. There started a tingle.

Suddenly, something different was happening, and it was happening to me.

I thought long and hard, trying to recall whether or not I had lied. No. Never. Yet, like a noseless (and pantless) Pinocciho, my twig was becoming a sapling. It was like Arbor Day all over again.

I promised that I wouldn't make the same mistake I did then. This tree would live! We stood and waited to see how big it would get. My wife started moving lamps and other breakables out of reach. There was no end in sight. I was feeling a little awkward, and she, well, she looked kind of excited. I didn't know what to make of that.

Finally, it appeared to have stopped. It was almost 4 inches. Nearly 5 times the normal size. It was magnificent. I looked at my bride. "I better plant this."

So I did. Judging by the clock on the nightstand we were wrapped up in that cloud of bliss for over twelve hours, or possibly 30 seconds. It's hard to tell when you are in love.

I couldn't believe how happy my wife was after the "moment" as she lay there weeping and muttering about how she couldn't believe that was it. Oh, it was, my love, it was. She cried for hours.

She became pregnant that night, with twins. In just two years we had our first child, and two years later we had our second. That seemed a little far apart, but the woman's body is a mystery. Am I right fellas?

Just thinking of that wonderful night makes me a bit tingly, like the Blue Fairy might be hovering outside my window, holding her wand in teasing anticipation. I think I'm about ready to try it again, and I think that my wife might like that too :).

Wish me luck!!!!

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