<HONEA EXPRESS: Am I a Scientologist?
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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Am I a Scientologist?

I like to crack wise on the crazy. It's a thing I do. Yet, like the guy in the closet that is always telling gay jokes, I began to have my doubts.

Do I mock the crazy because secretly I am them? Them being "the crazy."

The idea made me a little nervous. I can't even afford to be Mormon. How the hell would I get anywhere as a Scientologists? I doubt I could make it past Kirstie Alley level, and if it weren't for all the money that she saved on free Jenny Craig food, she wouldn't be as high as she is. It cost money to move up the spiritual ladder, people. Lots of it.

I started to worry, so I made a checklist to see if my beliefs were on par with the crazy:

Do I believe in aliens? Sure. Why not? The odds are in their favor, right?

1 for crazy.

Did I love Battlefield Earth? Um, no. I didn't even see it. It looked really bad.

1 for not as crazy.

Do I believe in God? Not in the sense of any religion. I believe in something, but I'm not buying what any of our salesman are peddling.

1 for crazy (by default).

Do I have cool sunglasses that I am willing to wear at night? Are you kidding? Does Corey Hart shit in the woods?

1 for crazy. Not looking good, the score that is- I look freaking awesome.

Do I think that Autism and depression are fake (as are the meds that treat them)? In a word: no. That's freaking crazy (see above links).

1 for fairly normal.

Do I think homosexuality can be "cured?" Does Travolta (see above links)?

Okay, we're all tied up!

Would I ever be crazy enough to be that crazy? Not in a million years.

So there you are. I don't make fun of Scientology because I really envy them. I make fun of them because it's funny. And they're crazy.

Tune in next week when I'll fake fun of Chrystal Children!

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