<HONEA EXPRESS: Zane and the Amway Diet
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Sunday, July 01, 2007

Zane and the Amway Diet

There is a theory, proposed and backed by the nerds men and women of science that are qualified to do such things, about the levels of nutrition a child should have in their daily diet. They even break it down for us into a lovely diagram, which I secretly suspect is some sort of pyramid-scheme ploy geared to reap profits for farmers like Willie Nelson and The Coug'. Regardless, it is accepted and endorsed everywhere but our public school cafeterias. It looks like this:


The bottom is bigger, which means two things, this diagram is obviously a woman, and those items featured there are the foodstuffs that we should be the most accepting of. The top of the triangle is then the bells and whistles that we can't touch. So obviously this diagram is not only a woman, but she is also married.

My youngest boy, Zane, through brilliant micro-managing, corporate cuts and layoffs, has been able to narrow his intake to just two required food groups, both pending F.D.A. approval. He enjoys them equally and with wild abandonment.

As I sat by and allowed him to gorge himself, without paternal interference, just to ensure me a few moments uninterrupted on the computer, I felt a tinge of guilt. Just what the hell was my kid eating?

Crap, no not literally. Although if he added a third category and completed the pyramid, dogcrap would be the pinnacle of it. Luckily, as noted in the previous illustration, those items are to be used sparingly, and we have spent hours clearing those sweet snacks from our yard to make sure that is the case.

No, his favorite food is a fruit snack.


It's first three ingredients are forms of sugar. The nutritional value goes downhill from there. The saving grace is that it does provide 100% of the recommended daily does of Vitamin C. That is the key that I use to justify his addiction. It's like medicine.

His other food group is readily available to him at any time, and doesn't even require the blessing of opposable thumbs to attain. That concludes the list of benefits.

The boy eats dog food. Granted, it's the good stuff, but still, it's for dogs, and occasionally senior citizens, not for babies.

He eats it by the mouthful, chewing it to a mush of corn and horse meat. He loves it, and he is generous with it. For every bite he puts in his mouth he feeds two to the dogs. He's like some old guy wandering around the park sharing his bag of nuts with the pigeons.

It may not be the healthiest of diets, but all of that sugar does give him lots of energy, and his coat? It's fantastic.

Does this make me a bad person?

Probably, but I'm a bad person who just had 10 quiet minutes to write this post, and that my friends, makes you enablers.

No worries. I fired Jiminy Cricket years ago, and I'll sleep well tonight, like a baby crashing from a sugar high.

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