<HONEA EXPRESS: Something Stinky This Way Comes
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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Something Stinky This Way Comes

There is an odor in our house and it originates exactly where one might think, yet the cause is not what that might suggest. In fact, the cause is unknown. I know that fish and visitors both stink, but we haven't had either in more than 3 days. What we've had is a shift in the weather.

Every year since we bought this house we have experienced the same scent, and I only hope it isn't of a woman. When the nights dip into the 40's it arrives as if wafting on chilly airs. There is also suggestion that it may be tied to the running of our laundering service (clothing not money) which reside opposite the wall of the room in question. The timing of washing loads does raise the miasma. The timing of dropping loads only complicates the matter.

Four years now and we have no idea what the stench is or how to correct it. I've called numerous plumbers and guess how many have come out to investigate. None. They all have suggestions of remedies and of course I try them. Sometimes I think they may have worked, yet again it returns.

It gives an impression of the unpleasant, of foul deeds and carrion men, groaning for burial, or possibly from too many burritos. I know it isn't the latter, and as I've been unlucky enough to smell flesh left to rot in the sun, I am fairly certain that the former is also not to blame. I suppose Jimmy Hoffa could have been drenched in some cologne or fragrance before he was buried beneath our home. I'm sure my old car from college still smells of pot and Obsession, but no, Hoffa is not underfoot, nor is the Sentra.

Something stinks in Denmark, by which I mean the can. No offense, Denmark.

Have any of you experienced this? We live in an old home (1957) and have a septic tank if those factors make a difference. According to every plumber in the area they do not. I'm prone to connect the cold temperature to the running of the washer and dryer as the cause, but I'm not sure I understand the science of why.

I will work through the phone book again, and perhaps I'll sanction a priest.

In the meantime our house will fill with the aroma of apple candles, the constant brewing of coffee and the uneasy odor of goodness tainted.

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